Friday, June 01, 2007 @11:25 AM
I feel like running away from everything. My house, my work, my life. Maybe I have adding too much stuff into my life. To think I can cope with it all. But I have doubts now. Many things have happen during this week. I realize starbucks job is not all nice and everything. I have to memorise a lot of stuff and keep practicing. Especially the drink name calling part. To me its difficult as I keep getting it wrong. My mind can’t think straight. Work has always been slack back, just keying in invoices and checking and rechecking the amount on all invoices and the computer. Broke up with him. I just cry when I know that he will not be with me anymore. When I know that he will not be there for me anymore. When I know I have lost him. Gosh. I was the one that initiated the break up. But I’m in pain now. I don’t want to patch up because I guess I will take him for granted again. Maybe I just need to know that there is always someone I can count on. I cannot commit myself to doing nothing much at all. I’m selfish. Or maybe I cried because there is too much thing going on in me that I cannot take it. I might break down anytime. This week, I cried practically everyday. Pathetic right. I always knew I was an emotional person. But first time in my life I became like this. I’m not feeling well also, sore throat, running nose, a bit headache, thinking when’s my fever coming. Physically and mentally tired I guess. Great. It’s supposed to be my holiday and I’m torturing myself. I don’t know why, but its only during holiday do I have long term sickness. I cannot stay at home. Tired to stay at home yesterday. In the end, mom did her usual scolding me about things I did wrongly or not supposed to do. Heard quarrelling, dad and sis etc.. Yesterday I so wanted to get out of my house, but I have no place to go. Nor will I think my parents will allow me to do that. So I just stay in the master room alone, crying. I wonder at times, if there is another person like me. But I think who will be so stupid right. Will breaking up, lead to this kind of feeling? Or am I the only one? This is my first time, and it hurts badly. I don’t think this is worth it, as I rather just be friends if I knew the ending would be so hurtful and nothing will be the same again. Don’t feel like eating recently, but don’t know why my mouth feels like biting or chewing. I can eat very little or a lot. Also, at work after my breakfast, I will feel like vomiting. Gosh. Hate these feelings. Feel like escaping from everything. But everything comes with responsibility. I want to, but I know I can’t. The consequences behind it might ruin my life forever. Yet if I don’t take a break, I might fall into depression. I write until like this is a very severe issue. Haha. Maybe it is. But I know people have encountered much worst stuff. Anyway, hope I can feel better soon. If only Singapore was not so small. If only there were remote places in Singapore like in Australia? Plenty of green fields, lake, lakes, and the blue sky above you. When I grow old, I think I will migrate there or something. Don’t really like to stay in the city side forever. I prefer the nature. =)