Thursday, September 06, 2007 @2:34 PM
do i really want to gain weight? i think those who are concern that i'm too thin will be thinking about this question. i wont deny that i like being slim. in this influenical world, the ideology that thin = pretty still exist. and i believe in that too bah. but to me, being pretty is to have a pretty face. hehe. anyway. pris and wendy keep asking me to eat proper meals almost everytime they see me. know they are doing this for my own good. pris especially since she has been "nagging" at me for the past few months le. pei fu! i see a difference in myself also. still remembered the time where a small piece of bread can be my meal. so say 3 meals equal 3 small pieces of bread. thinking back, i'm very li hai! but maybe caused my stomach was not feeling well, got gas and constipation. haha. then changed to eating more fruits, and also wholemeal bread (healthy). slowly by slowly, eating more fruits and veg, and slowly having two proper meals, with fruits for dinner. at least recently i make sure i will eat lots of veg, my 3 meals and fish and egg, at times eat meat. of course there will be exceptions like if i work in starbucks then there is mark out of turkey and cramberry sandwich, i will have the whole thing for lunch (believe me, there is lots of turkey inside). i still don't really like eating oily stuff. but hey! growing fat does not have to mean i have to eat oily stuff.
realise from a forum that not good eating too much fruits. cause fruits has natural sugar = cause you to become fatter! if like this, isn't it ironic that i have been eating lot of fruits and not graining much weight? seems werid.
anyway. i'm much much much better le. but i don't understand why they keep thinking i'm torturing myself. "if i'm hungry i will still find for food de". >.< but no one seems to believe me. many atimes i feel that i'm torturing myself in a way that i'm full, but i'm stuffing myself with fruits cause i feel like eating. hehe. ah.. headache.
i have been experimenting on the places and timing for my optimal studying. my drive for studying is in me, but through some observation about myself, i conclude that i CANT study at home! i CANT study with friends, i HAVE to study in a place where there is nobody or little people, i CANT study in aircon places. i HAVE to try to sleep around or latest by 12 and wake up best is by 8am. let me explain
i CANT study at home - simply because there are too too much temptations for me, now the main temptation, though it still is to a certain extent, is not tv but is about fruits! haha. easy access to fruits mean a long day, very stuffed patricia. plus my sis and mum, does not really help much in keeping the house a quiet and condusive place to learn. but hey. its their right to stay at home and do what they want right?
i CANT study with friends - this i must clarify myself. i don't mean going out to study with friends. i mean, when i'm with friends and their talking, or doing someother stuff. its hard for me to just go to one corner or suddenly start studying. i feel funny and i think they will think that i'm a mugger for sure. its not veri nice also to study when i'm suppose to hang around with friends.
i HAVE to study in a place where there is nobody or little people - who say university is easy? i have to understand lots of stuff. so i prefer a nice and quiet place with no noise or music whatsoever so i can have my 100% concentration on it. plus i have so much to study. haiz. headache.
i CANT study in aircon places - the reason's simply: cause i'm scared of the cold. haha. and i get sleepy also.
i HAVE to try to sleep around or latest by 12 and wake up best is by 8am - my mum keep saying that the time when your brain really rest is from 12 to 2 or 3am. and i heard about it also, so to recover from my tired self, i have to try to stick to it for awhile. and wendy say the minimum time we have to sleep is 8 hours. plus pris say that lost of sleep leds to lost of memory and i can feel that my memory is deproving. HELP! so i got to be a good girl for awhile. hehe.
through this list, my options for places to study is so limited. was thinking about waking up in the early mornings then asking my dad to fetch me to pris house there. her house nearby is quite condusive, there's a field and a canal, not much people will walk pass also. and i like the shape of the tables. hehe. but problem is i got to wake up by 6am, so that my dad will be willing to fetch me. means i got to sleep by 10 plus or 11, so i wont feel sleepy in the morning, or it will be a wasted trip to go there and study. this brings about i have to pay for my lunch and dinner! which i'm very reluctent to cause been spending alot recently. once i go out with my oweek mates, close to $20 will fly away. plus i feel that i should try my best to pay for my transport, textbooks and clothing fees cause i'm working also. and i don't give money to my dad or he does not want it. so yup. headaches. hehe. i'm thinking too much again. >.<
Wednesday, September 05, 2007 @12:30 AM
i feel different
i'm bothered by stuffs
but i cant pinpoint what exactly it is
am i changing?
is my attitude changing?
do i feel that the world is against me?
is hard for me to even laugh innocently
i don't know what is going on
and i don't like it
what is wrong with me?
i keep feeling that people don't like me
why am i so bothered about what people feel about me
maybe i'm lacking of self confidence
i feel that people dislike me
or maybe just want to avoid me
or maybe i'm the one thats avoiding them instead
the one that slowly building a wall away from the rest
i'm not care free anymore
it hurts that i'm feeling this weird thing
i'm not happy anymore
and very bothered
i don't know whats wrong with me
and i want it to end
am i changing?
it scares me
i want to just sit down and study, in a quiet space where nobody can disturb me. but i guess, these kind of places can only be found in the middle of the night where everyone is sleeping. but then i'm trying to get good sleep and rest well which mean i have to sleep from 12 plus to the early morning at least. recently feeling tired easily. haiz. many people was telling me that jc would be the hardest point in life and after that uni would be a breeze. how wrong are these people! in my whole life, i have always depend on my last minute studies. and chionging the night before tests. however i doubt i will even pass if i do that now. suddenly, i became to see the need of consistant studying. to read the chapters before lecture and after that re reading it again. and to really understand what the textbook is talking about. however i don't think i can work, give tuition and do this at the same time. i don't want to compromise my studies for my friends. not that i have been going out alot recently. but time really passby. and i'm still lagged back. need to buck up fast i guess. haiz.
pris is now at a crossroad, which could very well affect her future. and i feel bad about it. i have this feeling that indirectly, i cause pris to end up like this. because in the first place i told her to follow her heart. and haiz.. i just feel guilty about it. she's suffering now, and i don't know how to lighten her burden. i'm quite useless right. haiz. i just hope she stays in nus. and hope she has sudden enlightenment on computing.
everything will work out in the end. when will the end be?
Sunday, September 02, 2007 @7:04 AM
its a long long time since i blogged. no mood i guess. these days something keeps bothering me. what is a friend? i can talk to strangers easily. but when i know them, its get harder and harder each time and soon we'll be just "hi, bye" friends. i thought that maybe i should just go into passive mood, and talk to those who approach me first. at least i wont be in a weird position of being silent when i'm out of questions.
this happened to me only recently, and i don't know how to change it! i hate myself this way. i don't really know how to joke with people, so they won't think i'm fun or something like that i guess. i was thinking also, about not caring about this part of me. i'm who i'm am, i guess people should just accept who i am?? i feel so passive suddenly, and adding on when people see me their first impression is that i'm a slim, tall, quiet girl? yeah.. that "helps" alot. i think i'm in a stage of loner now? in the past, i will never allow myself to be alone, cause i don't like it. but now, maybe just staying alone at home helps. its so peaceful like now. in the early sunday morning, where my dad went out to run and buy breakfast, and my mom and sis are still sleeping. these few days, i keep reminding myself to just forget about this thing, and be myself. but everytime i pass my friends in university and once in a while, it comes back to me again. i also realise that i'm judging people! and disliking them when i'm not comfortable or when i think she don't really treat me as friends. its only to one person, and i still smile and say hi when i see her. how fake is that! i can't believe i'm suddenly like this! what on earth is happening to me. it scares me, i know people have personality and i'm jealous that they have alot of people to talk to, or wants to talk to them. i guess i'm just nothing. a simple, common with anything will do girl. how entertaining can that be? or maybe we just don't click?
as i grow older, i feel that my thinking is changing. it bothers me alot! cause i don't want to change. so i don't know what on earth on happening to me. for the better or worst? guess i will only know it when i grow older. but people have the control in life! if i can, i would just want to stay with my friends in jc. may our friendship last forever. =)